The difference between "owning it" and "you're on your own."

The other day I posted this quote from Albert Ellis:  "The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own.  You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president.  You realize that you control your own destiny."  


Then I received this comment from a reader named Genevieve:  "I agree that it's up to us, but I also think sometimes we need help. I went to a funeral today for a woman who apparently didn't have help, and her "demons" got the best of her. So tragic."


It struck me that there is a disconnect here between what I read in that quote and what she got from it.  After  reading both the quote and her comment a few times, I could see her point and felt that I needed to address it.


To me, this thought is all about the blame game.  There are so many times that we want to shift the blame for our problems to other people or to circumstances beyond our control.  "I wouldn't be so fat if my parents had taught me better habits." "My kid would do better in school if the teacher would just pay more attention to him." That may seem easier, but in reality it takes away our power to change our lives.  Taking responsibility for our lives can be scary, but it also means that we can make changes and decisions that will be true happiness and peace.    Other people and circumstances do affect our lives, but we cannot allow them to control us.  We "own" who we are, imperfections and all, in order to become who we want to be.


I think the danger in this thought, and what Genevieve was observant enough to pick up on, is if you just focus on the phrase "your problems are your own."  Believing that our problems are entirely our own affair can wall us off from the people around us, as I wrote about in a previous post "I thought I was the only one..."  We must be willing to let our guard down and let people in so that we can get help when we need it.  And everyone needs help once in a while.  Admitting that we need help empowers other to ask for help as well.  Sometimes we need a strong shoulder to lean on (or cry on), and sometimes we can be that person for someone else.  But if we keep up a facade of perfection, we are cut off from both roles.  We can't ask for help, and others don't feel comfortable asking it of us.


Taking control of your life should not mean that you are on your own.  It means that you face yourself and your choices with honesty, changing what you can and allowing yourself to ask for help where you need it.


Now, I'm going to go quit blaming the over-flowing closets on a mutant outgrown-clothes breeding phenomenon and do some de-cluttering.  Feel free to come over and help if you want... :)

"Thinking Errors" -- A Video Worth Watching

I saw this segment on our local "lifestyle show" the other day, and I thought the ideas in it were really worth sharing. I especially liked the part about not assuming you know what other people are thinking about you...

Click here to see a written version of what the presenter talks about.

The Parable of the Painting

I have two incredibly smart, cute, funny little boys.

Sammy is the oldest.  He's almost 7 and he is pretty much a genius.  He started reading before he turned 3 and memorized the times tables just for funsies while he was in preschool.  But this post is not about him.

This post is about Josh, who is almost 5.  He is sweet and imaginative and hilarious.  He loves to make people laugh, and he also has a special talent for knowing when people need comfort.  At my husband's grandma's funeral this past summer, he went up to Dan's grandpa and just put his arms around him and loved him for several minutes.  He comes up with elaborate stories about his superhero adventures, assisted by all his animal friends. He loves to be a special helper, and Eliza follows him around all day, imitating his every move.  Right now he sounds like a pirate, because he's trying very enthusiastically to say his Rs (including in words that really should have a W -- ever heard of "taking a showrer" or enjoying a "rarm" day?).  What's not to love about Josh?

I'll tell you what Josh doesn't love about Josh:  that he's not Sam.  In spite of our best efforts to convince him that he is special and wonderful for just who HE is, he is constantly comparing himself to Sammy.  It's understandable, I guess -- Sammy gets a lot of attention for how smart he is and all the things he can do.  It made me so sad one day when the boys were painting pictures together.  They were both putting their best efforts into their projects and doing a really great job.  But Josh took a good long look at Sammy's painting, then back at his own.  He picked up his painting and with a look of such hurt on his face, ripped it slowly and deliberately in half.  I said, "Oh, Joshy!  Why did you rip your painting?  You worked so hard and it was a really great painting!"  He said, "It's not as good as Sam's."  I tried to talk to him about how it was great that his painting wasn't the same as Sam's, because it was his and that he had done his best.  I talked about how Sammy is two whole years older than Josh, so he's had a lot more practice.  I told him I really liked how he had used so many different colors, and how fun it was that he had made up a story to go along with it.  But nothing I said made any difference.  He ripped his painting up into small pieces anyway.

This particular incident happened a couple of months ago, but I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days.  I wonder:  How often are we the Josh in this scenario?  We look at what others are creating or accomplishing and we instantly devalue our own abilities.  "Oh, I could never ______ like her!"  But instead of trying our best and then tearing it up, we don't even try.  Or maybe we do, but we never share our experiences with others because we think they have no value.  God has given each of us our own special talents and abilities, meant to enrich our lives and enable us to lift others.  Do we throw them back in His face because we think nothing we do will ever be as good as what others do?  And all the while we are hiding a secret sorrow because we want to share, to do, to be everything that we can be.

It makes me think of the Parable of the Talents in the New Testament, which begins in Matthew 25:14.  The basic story is that a man is going away and gives different numbers of "talents" (an amount of money in the parable) to each of his servants to take care of while he's gone.  To one he gives 10, to another 5, and to one, only 1 talent.  When he comes back, the servants to whom he had given 10 and 5 talents had both invested wisely and doubled his money.  He rewards them both equally.  The servant to whom he had given only 1 talent had hidden his talent in the earth out of fear that he couldn't do anything with it.  But the truth was that the master wasn't expecting that servant to earn 10 more talents like the first servant, just to do something with it.  God has given us all different talents and gifts, and he just wants to see what we will do with them.  He's not comparing us to anyone but ourselves, so why do WE do it?

A few weeks ago my husband Dan took Josh out for a special ice cream date.  They talked about all the great things that Josh can do, and came up with a new motto:  "Have fun along the way!"  They talked about how Joshy doesn't need to compare what he does to Sammy -- the whole point of doing stuff is to enjoy doing it, not to worry about how other people are doing the same thing.  Since then, when Josh starts to get into that comparing mindset, we say, "What's our motto?"  And he replies (with varying degrees of enthusiasm): "Have fun along the way..."  At the same time, we are trying very hard to point out all of the things that are great about Josh.  (And balancing that with doing the same thing for the other kids too, of course -- man, being a parent is not an easy trick.)  Hopefully this is just a phase, and we can get through it and we'll all be glad they're not going through it as teenagers... or in their 30s.

I want to challenge you to "have fun along the way."  As adults, it's not just about fun, of course.  We want to find real fulfilment and bring happiness to others at the same time.  Identify something that you love to do, whether you think you're the greatest at it or not.  Do something that forces you to share that gift with others -- teach someone something, give an act of service, create a gift -- and do so unapologetically. 

Don't worry that someone else could have done it better. 

Don't worry if your talents aren't as "visible" as everybody else's.

Don't feel like you have to measure up to some imaginary standard.

Just appreciate the joy and enrichment you felt in doing it, and the blessing it is to someone else to feel cared for.  If you feel like you don't have any special talents, ask God to help you find the gifts He's given you.  He might answer you by bringing a long-lost interest to your mind, or by helping you see a need that you can fill.  Keep your heart open, so that God can show you the beautiful things He's created in you.  Just you, just the way you are.

Our lives are a blank canvas, waiting to be filled with beautiful colors and stories.  Don't let fruitless comparison make you tear it up and hide it away.

215 Challenge: Random Challenge - 215-words about Why AVERAGE is ...

My awesome hubby Dan just started a very funny writing blog called "The 215 Challenge," where you have 215 words to fulfill whatever the challenge for the day is.  Today he stepped away from his usual goofiness to talk about "Why AVERAGE is AWESOME!"  I loved what he wrote about not comparing yourself to others.  Read this -- I think you'll see what helps ME stay a little more grounded and balanced than I used to be... :)

215 Challenge: Random Challenge - 215-words about Why AVERAGE is ...: "I'm pretty much average in practically every way. Pick nine random other people and line me up with them. Rank us on anything you like and I..."

Dare to {not} Compare...

Okay, I realize this is a silly little illustration, but isn't this what we do to ourselves and each other?  We look at each other and we only see the outside appearances, or what little we think we know about each other.  We start belittling ourselves because we'll never measure up to their standard.  We start resenting the other person because they have everything we want.  Pretty soon we can't appreciate the good things about them OR ourselves because we get so wrapped up in our own little pity party.

There are so many people around me that I admire, people that I wish to emulate.  But I may never be as good a photographer as my brothers or as talented a writer as my husband, my Auntie P., or my best friend Julianne (man, I'm surrounded by amazing writers...).  I may never be as 100% every-moment devoted to my kids as my dear friend Liz, as in tune with the needs of my neighbors as Halaulani or as great an organizer as Evelin.  I will never be a homeschooler like Brianna or as good at healthy, natural living as Chelsea.  I may never be as good a singer as my sister Amy or as patient in trials as my mom or as persevering as my dad.  I have friends who are better crafters, better home decorators, better dressers, better moms, etc.  I could go on and on, really.  But that's okay.  Seeing their incredible qualities gives me something to strive for and work towards, and I know there are things I can do to lift the people around me, too.

You don't have to be the best at something for your qualities and gifts to "count."   It's not a contest or a race, and we don't need to compare ourselves with anyone but ourselves.

Marjorie Hinckley said, "We each do the best we can. My best may not be as good as your best, but it's my best. The fact is that we know when we are doing our best and when we are not. If we are not doing our best, it leaves us with a gnawing hunger and frustration. But when we do our level best, we experience a peace."

Peace.  Wouldn't that be a nice feeling?  But if our heads are stuffed full of comparisons to the people in our neighborhood or at work or on TV, there will be no room in our hearts to experience the peace that she describes.

The problem with comparing ourselves to others -- and make no mistake, we will always be able to find someone that makes us feel inadequate -- is that every comparison plants a little seed of bitterness in our hearts.  We start feeling a sense of injustice.  How many times have you heard yourself think something like "It's not fair" or "I never get to do anything like that" or "How come she can do whatever-it-is?"  You probably don't even realize you're thinking that way until the feeling is firmly rooted, like that darn morning glory weed that keeps trying to take over your garden no matter how many times you pull it up.  Even when you love someone, that little weed of resentment is getting in the way of your relationship.  You start feeling defensive about exactly why you're not measuring up to someone else's standard, which in reality is something you created yourself.  I do this all the time.  When I see my own shortcomings, I automatically start up this whole internal dialogue defending myself against an attack that never actually arrives.  When the house is a mess and my hubby is on his way home from work, my mind starts going: "Well, it was just a crazy day, okay?  The kids were constantly fighting and making me crazy.  I had a bunch of graphic design work that HAD to be done today.  And I'm TIRED, okay?"  Now, let me tell you something -- my husband has never once in our marriage gotten on my case about the state of our house.  (Which is a mercy, because housekeeping is not one of my sterling qualities.)  But because I know I could have done a better job of putting things in order and probably not spent quite so much time on Facebook (which, you'll notice, I didn't admit to in my imaginary defense strategy), I'm all defensive and I start getting mad at Dan because I think he's going to think as badly about me as I do about myself. 

Wow, when I actually type that out, it sounds a little crazy.  But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who does it.  Maybe you don't do it with quite so much actual talking to yourself, but it's easy to get into that sort of mindset when you start comparing yourself with another person or with what you think are their expectations of you.  It's the perfect example of that "gnawing frustration" described by Marjorie Hinckley in the quote above.

So please, stop comparing yourself to others and imagining up standards you'll never be able to meet.  You can be sure that they have their own list of things they're beating themselves up about.  It can be difficult to hold a mirror up to yourself and try to separate where you're really doing your best and where you're not -- independent of what you think others are doing -- but I think it would be worth it to feel that peace.

P.S.  If you feel others might be uplifted by this post, please feel free to share it wherever you share stuff! (There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, etc.)  Thanks!