7 Ways to Be Your Best Self...

Okay, the blog post from Becky Higgins that I'm linking you to is actually called "7 Ways to Increase Charity," but as I read it I couldn't help thinking that if I applied any of her advice to myself, I would definitely have a "best self" kind of day.  So check it out!  How do you think making little changes like what she describes could help you be your best self?

Best Self/Worst Self Snapshot

I've written a few posts now about what I call the Best Self/Worst Self Scenario, and a few weeks ago I had an experience that really drove it home to me.

I was at a large fabric store with my 2-year-old daughter, waiting in a loooong line to get fabric cut.  She was grumpy and I was trying to entertain her with one of the animal-sounds apps on my phone, but she got frustrated and threw it on the floor.  That, of course, was the end of her getting to play with my phone, which inevitably led to her throwing a fit.  After a minute she wasn't really screaming and yelling anymore, but she was still doing that "I'm just going to keep crying because I still want my way even though I probably don't remember what I'm mad about" cry, which I'm sure any of you parents of young children know all too well.  At that point, honestly, I was completely tuning her out. I was still trying to soothe her, but my brain was definitely more involved in the sewing project I had planned.

A couple minutes after that it was finally my turn at the cutting counter.  As the lady was cutting my fabric, a middle-aged woman approached the counter and started demanding (loudly) that I do something about my screaming baby, saying that it was upsetting people and that I should leave the store immediately.  I don't even remember what I said, just something like, "I'm sorry, I really am doing the best I can."  Before I even really had time to register anything but shock, she turned and stormed away.  As she passed a man a few feet away, he said loudly "She's not bothering me!"  And then every customer and employee within 15 feet jumped to my defense, saying how awful she was for being so mean and how great I was for not getting angry back at her and that I was right not to give in to Eliza's tantrum and that she really wasn't upsetting anyone.  I really did appreciate the kind things they said, but of course I was embarrassed and I really did want to get out of there as quickly as possible.  One lady even chased me up to the cash register to tell me I was doing a great job as a mom, and another found me in the parking lot.

But I didn't feel like the hero of the situation.  I really was tuning Eliza's crying out instead of being considerate of others.  I'm sure I could have done more to settle her down, but I was tired and stressed.  As for the customer who got angry at me, who knows what her situation might be?  Maybe she was tired and stressed, too.  I thought about my grandma, who had a nervous condition that was great exascerbated by constant, grating noise like crying.  Whatever the reason, obviously that woman was not having a Best Self moment when she lit into me.  But I wasn't, either.  I wasn't a saint for not getting angry back.  Mostly I just didn't have time to be anything but surprised.  The people who went out of their way to come to my defense?  I think they were having a Best Self moment -- reaching out to give comfort to a stranger.  Most of them were older (or shall we say, more experienced) moms who, I think, saw their younger selves in me.  But I hope someone was also around to reach out to the other woman as well.

So there we all were, a bunch of imperfect people, all at different places on the Best Self/Worst Self sliding scale that day.  I was really glad that most of the people in the store were understanding and forgiving of my imperfection.  In fact, I felt much worse for the woman who got angry with me -- she probably felt even worse after everyone jumped to my defense.  Maybe she regretted being so harsh.  Maybe she didn't.  Maybe she just felt even more victimized that now she had to listen to a crying baby AND no one agreed with her.  Maybe she was having a terrible day and the whole thing made her feel worse than ever.

We'll never know, because we never can know exactly where someone else is on their own personal scale, or what they are going through that pushed them to that point.  All we can do is treat everyone with understanding and compassion, trying not to be quick to get angry or be offended.  As human beings, we are all going to have Worst Self moments -- let's not define others (or ourselves) by them.

Tomi Ann

P.S.  If you think others might be uplifted by this post, please feel free to share it wherever you share stuff. :)

The CoffeeShop Blog: How I don't do it all and can live with that.

 I'm already a big fan of the fun stuff for wannabe photographers like me on Rita's blog, but she posted this yesterday and I knew I had to pass it on.  She expresses just perfectly what I was talking about in my first Best Self/Worst Self post... plus she's actually funny. :)  Definitely worth a few minutes to read!

The CoffeeShop Blog: How I don't do it all and can live with that.: "We went to the pumpkin patch this weekend. There was a sea of pumpkins and happy children in cute little black and orange fall costumes. ..."

The Best Self/Worst Self Scenario

I have one belief about people:  Some people are very, very good; some people are very, very bad; but the rest of us (like, say, 99%) are somewhere in the middle, just trying to do the best we can with what we have and what we know.  This applies to the whole population of the world, and it applies to any group of people that you want to talk about.  Mormons, Muslims, teachers, policemen, moms, dads, you name the group and that description applies.  You want to know why?

Because we're people.  And the same truth applies to us individually -- sometimes we are very, very good; sometimes we are very, very bad; but 99% of the time we are somewhere in the middle.  Some days we're closer to that Best Self and some days we're a whole lot closer to our Worst Self.

On my Best Self days, I...

• Play with my kids and patiently work with them while they do their "chores," thus helping them become responsible adults and citizens of the world.
• Have the house respectably clean -- at least enough that I wouldn't die of mortification if someone dropped by.
• Have a delicious, healthy home-cooked dinner on the table by the time my hubby gets home.
• Read my scriptures and say my prayers.
• Exercise.
• Remember to help the kids call their grandparents and great-grandparents, just to say hello.
• Fulfill my church callings with 100% diligence and a good attitude.
• Take dinner to someone in the neighborhood who needs it.
• Remember that other people are just imperfect human beings like me and give them the benefit of the doubt.
• Spend wisely and save money where I can.

Sounds perfect, right?  Well, on my worst self days, I...

• Completely ignore my kids while they watch 17 cartoons in a row because I'm totally engrossed in a project of my own.
• Blow up at them in a major way when they haven't done their jobs after I've asked them 12,000 TIMES!  Or if they're making noises that annoy me.
• Leave the house a total wreck because I'd rather dink around on Facebook or blog-hopping.
• Have Dan pick up a pizza because I'm just not in the mood to cook.
• Don't think about anyone but myself and the project I'm working on.
• Spend WAY too much money on craft supplies and other things that aren't necessities.
• Resent the time that I spend doing church callings and fulfilling other responsibilities.
• Totally space commitments that I've made, even if I had good intentions.
• Think negative thoughts about people, even those that I really love.  
• I stew about stupid things I can't control.
• Feel needy and underappreciated.

The truth is, there aren't very many days where I'm all one or the other.  It's like a Chinese takeout menu -- choose 2 options from List 1 and 3 from List 2.  I'm nearly always somewhere in the middle of that sliding scale, and I bet you are too.  If you don't believe me, make these lists for yourself and then for the next couple of days, just see how things stack up.

So why does this matter?  Because we take our "worst self" characteristics and put them up against other people's "best self" moments.  And nobody is their best self all the time, but we generally don't update our Facebook status with things like "I was horrible to my kids just now and I feel terrible about it."  We wait until we have something fun, like "Just hanging out with my kiddos at the park enjoying the sunshine!"  I think I actually have said that before.  Was it true?  Absolutely!  But it's also true that sometimes I am horrible to my kids and I do feel terrible about it.  I'm not a perfect mom by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have moments where I'm doing it right.  I know you do, too, in whatever role you fulfill in life.  We are all striving to be our best selves, but don't let that desire oppress and and make you feel inadequate. Give yourself credit for times when you are your best self, and take those worst self moments in stride, knowing that you can learn from them and that everyone else has those moments, too.

Now, one last comment about the best self/worst self scenario.  Don't ever let another person make you feel like your worst self is the REAL you.  Recently I was talking with someone I love about a guy she had just broken up with, a guy who did not deserve her one bit and made her feel like garbage.  As a result she spent a lot more time at that "worst self" end of the spectrum than she ever had before.  She said, "Well, what if that's the real me?"  Someone who makes you feel like the worst version of yourself is the only real version is WRONG, and you deserve to be with someone who believes the best of you and makes you feel like your best self, someone who knows your weaknesses but doesn't define you by them.  After all, that's how you should treat yourself.

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