Motherhood Matters

Happy Mother's Day to all you beautiful women out there, both those who are mothers in the traditional sense and also to those who bless the lives of everyone around them with their mothering influence.

This past week I have been participating in a challenge created by our local lifestyle show Studio 5 called Motherhood Matters, which they describe as "a campaign to inspire, encourage, and remind ourselves why motherhood matters." I can always use a reminder to find the joy in motherhood rather than getting sucked into the mundane, and I have really been enjoying completing the challenge each day.

The other day the challenge was to make a list of the skills and attributes that you bring to the role of mother, and for some reason I found that very challenging. What strengths do I bring to motherhood? At first, all I could come up with were my weaknesses. I get mad a really really lot more than I should be, I'm ridiculously disorganized and forgetful, I let them watch too much tv... the list could go on and on. So before I got too bogged down in berating myself, I decided that I would commit to posting here about my positive strengths and attributes so that I have it in black and white. I haven't really started coming up with anything yet, so we'll see how it goes:

1. I am willing to admit when I'm wrong and ask my kids' forgiveness. I try really hard to own up to my part when things go amuck.
2. I tell them I love them a gazillion times a day. So far they are not old enough to be embarrassed by this.
3. I try to tell them specific reasons why I think they're great and why I'm proud of them.
4. I try to give them lots of opportunities for creativity (both in the artsy-crafty way and also just in their thinking).
5. I believe in God and Jesus Christ, and I am working hard to create an environment where their Spirit can be felt.
6. I am not "too cool" to run around and play and be silly with them. (Of course, if you knew me you'd probably say that I'm not in grave danger of being "too cool" for anything...)
7. I will never, never stop trying to be a better mom for them.

I am not trying to toot my own horn here. I know that for every one thing I get right, I probably make two giant mothering mistakes. Or miss some huge opportunity to love and nurture the way I should. I'm sure we all feel that way. And Mother's Day, for some perverse reason, frequently just makes moms feel more guilty, like we somehow don't measure up to all the praise. But this Mother's Day, please stop berating yourself for all your mothering imperfections and take a moment to appreciate your mothering strengths.  You have them, I guarantee -- otherwise, God would never have entrusted His precious children to your care.  Give yourself the gift of actually thinking about it and writing it down.  I'll bet you'll find you're a pretty awesome mom after all. :)

Happy Mother's Day!



Oh, and if you need a little encouragement, please watch this beautiful video about our true value as mothers:

In Honor of "You're My Favorite" Day...

 Yesterday marked the 3rd anniversary of the passing of my sweet little sister Carissa.  Words cannot express how much I love her, or how much I still miss her every day.  Carissa was 22 years old and had Down's Syndrome, and I truly believe she was an angel walking on the earth.  She had a greater capacity to love than any person I have ever met, and she used that capacity to lift every person she met.  She told everyone she met: "You're my favorite!" And she truly meant it every time. She made us all feel like the best version of ourselves. She smiled and hugged us and wrote us letters and made silly faces and told ridiculous jokes and always, always told us she loved us. 

My brother Dan of Single Dad Laughing has written a beautiful tribute to her here that everyone should read, and the main focus of what he wrote was about how Carissa was able to love people because she never thought of herself as better than another person.  This could not be more true. And while I could write for days about the things I learned from her, today I want to just write about the flip-side from what Dan wrote.

Carissa also never thought of herself as less than any other person.

Just think about what that means for a second.

My beautiful girl

I truly believe that Carissa never looked at another person and only saw her own shortcomings. She never thought to herself, "Oh, that person thinks they're better than me" or "That person is better than me/smarter than me/richer than me/more beautiful than me/happier than me/more good than me/etc." Carissa saw each person only as a brother or a sister, someone to love and someone who would love her in return.  She never doubted that everyone would love her, and as a result, everyone did.

I have written a lot on this blog about how we let our perception of our own imperfection stand in the way. We don't reach out in love or in service because we're afraid that what we have to give will never be good enough. We don't explore and expand the gifts God has given us because we don't think we'll be able to do it as well as others.

Carissa never let her imperfections hinder her from being who she was meant to be. And I'm not just talking about the limitations inherent to her disability.  She also had normal imperfections -- she was stubborn as a mule, and she got sad and mad and scared just like the rest of us. But she accepted those parts of herself and allowed the beautiful gifts that she'd been given to shine through.  Let me just tell you one story to illustrate this point.

I was with Carissa when she was admitted to the hospital for the last time. She was in serious distress from terrible pneumonia, and she was scared and in pain. A short time after she was admitted, a nurse came to insert a pic line into her arm so they could better administer her meds (any medical people out there will have to excuse my lack of medical expertise here). Carissa's veins were notoriously hard to find and I think they hadn't been able to get an IV in, so they had to go with the pic line.  The nurse told me that inserting a pic line was almost always very, very easy, but that sometimes it because very, very difficult.  Carissa's experience proved to be the latter. The nurse tried for what seemed like forever to get it in, basically digging a needle around in Carissa's arm trying to find the right placement. Carissa was in intense pain, tears rolling down her cheeks.  But that was not her focus. Carissa could see that the nurse was distressed about the pain she was causing.  Carissa started saying, "It's okay! You're doing a good job. Keep trying. I love you. It's okay," all while patting the nurse with her free hand. By the time she was finished, we were all in tears.  I actually don't remember if she was even able to place the pic line in the end.  But the spirit of love in that room was so strong that I will never forget it.

Carissa with my mom and my boys, just a couple days before she died.

Carissa was not focused on her own fear or pain or unhappiness, all things that would have limited her ability to reach out. Her concern was for the person she saw suffering in front of her. That was the suffering she wanted to alleviate. Throughout that last hospital stay, which lasted about a week, she continued to lift everyone who came in contact with her, despite her deteriorating condition.  Her hospital room had large windows facing out into the hallway, and she waved cheerily at everyone who passed.  We were told later that hospital staff and patients were going out of their way to walk by her room and see her smile. And to this day, the memory of her unselfish love pushes everyone who knew her to be a little more loving to everyone they meet.

Love conquers fear.  Love conquers every negative emotion or action in this world.  Because love for others -- others she saw as no better or worse than herself, only brothers and sisters -- was the greatest emotion in Carissa's world, she was able to lift and serve and be the best possible version of herself. 

I miss you, my sweet Carissa.  I will keep trying to remember your example every day.  You're my favorite!

If this post has touched your heart today, please feel free to share it wherever you share things.

***I just realized I never explained -- we call the anniversary of Carissa's passing "You're My Favorite" Day in her honor.  We try to celebrate the life she lived even as we still mourn her loss. I know that we'll be together with her again in heaven, and that even now she's with us in spirit, and I thank God every day for that blessing.***

Going with the flow...

The other night I unexpectedly had quite a bit of time to just sit and think, as I sat in bumper-to-bumper gridlock waiting to get off a freeway that had been closed to make way for the moving of the longest two-span bridge ever moved in the Western Hemisphere.

The sad thing is, I knew the freeway was going to be closed.  I was out partying late into the night as only scrapbookers can do, and my friends and I had discussed the freeway closure and alternate ways to get home.  As I got on the freeway I saw there was no slowing and thought, 'Well, I'll go down a few exits and get off at the one before the closure.' 

I drove a few miles down the freeway there was still no sign of slowing.  I approached the last exit before the exit I knew I'd be forced off, and I thought, 'I should really get off here.'  But the freeway had only just closed, and no one else was getting off there, and there was only a mile or two until the final exit.  I dithered long enough that the choice was pretty much made for me -- I had passed the last exit and I was committed.

Sure enough, as I rounded the bend there was nothing in front of me but a sea of brake lights.  As I inched forward I wondered why on earth I hadn't just gotten off when my gut feeling and just plain common sense told me I should.  It would have added an extra 5 minutes or so to the time it normally takes to get home.  Instead I was stuck on the freeway an extra half hour just to go about 1 mile.

But I was content to just follow what it seemed like everyone else was doing.  I wanted to get as close as I could to the edge before changing my path.  And by the time it became apparent I had made the wrong choice, it was too late and I was stuck.

How often do we do that in life?  We take the path of least resistance, we go with the flow.  We don't want to be weird or make waves, even when our gut is telling us that it is time to get off the road we're on.  Maybe we think that we can get closer to the edge without falling off than others can.  Maybe we take for granted that the path we're on is the right one, or we're just on auto-pilot.  Instead of taking responsibility for our own choices, we dither until the opportunity for making a choice has passed us by.

Sometimes we feel like that wrong choice (or that choice we didn't make) is permanent -- that we are now stuck on the wrong road.  Thankfully, real life does offer us a chance to turn around.  Or perhaps I should say that God offers us a chance to turn around.  No matter now far down the wrong road we go, he is always there, waiting to show us our chance to exit and get back on the right road.  It might take us a little longer to get to our destination than if we did what we should have in the first place, but God's detour is always going to get us safely to our destination.


So I guess I'm saying three things:

1.  Listen to what you feel inside and live on purpose.  Don't just go with the flow and allow life to make choices for you.

2.  If you end up on what turns out to be the wrong road, don't give up.  God will show you the detour to get back on track.

3.  If you know the DOT is moving a bridge the size of a football field, just get off the dang freeway.

Wishes and Resolutions

I hope everyone had a really lovely Christmas season.  Our Christmas was nothing out of the ordinary, but it was just full of sweet moments.  At one point on Christmas day, I thought to myself, "I wish this could just last forever.  Or that at least my kids could take twice as long to grow up as they are."  Because seriously, it seems like I must have ordered the fast-growing variety of kid by accident.

Now, I know that it's not a realistic thing to wish for, but it got me thinking about what I could change that might help.  And that made me start thinking about New Year's Resolutions.  So here are my Christmas wishes and New Year's Resolutions, mostly for my own benefit, but I thought they might give others food for thought as well.  (This got a little long, but I hope you make it to the last one -- my feelings won't be hurt if you just scroll to the end :oD )

I wish my kids could take twice as long to grow up as they are. 
     But for some reason, despite their many amazing qualities, they don't seem to be able to defy the laws of time and space.  And so...

I resolve to be more present in their lives and to make the most of the time I have with them.  I want to spend more time being really with them, and not just around them.


I wish I could be perfectly Christlike and perfectly in tune with the Spirit.
     But that's not likely to happen in the next 12 million years or so. (Give me time, though, I'm getting there...)  And so...

I resolve to be more aware of the needs around me, and to follow the impulses I have to do good.  Sometimes I think, "Oh, I should call this person," or "I bet that person would appreciate a visit," but then I allow everything else to get in the way until it's 11 p.m. and a little late to be calling or visiting (or whatever).  I am going to try to be better at acting on those impressions when I have them.


I wish I was perfect at reading my scriptures and going to the temple and doing all those good things God asks us to do. 
     But this one much too often goes about like the one above, with good intentions being overwhelmed by the mundane until the chance has passed me by.  And so...

I resolve to devote some time to my own spirituality each day, to be consistent in nourishing my own soul with the good word of God.  I also want to commit to going to the temple once a month, because I know that I need it.


I wish I was a super healthy eater and was always in control of my food intake, and that my kids could see from my example the joy of taking care of your body.
     But I'm not there yet.  I am definitely making progress -- in 2010 I really discovered a love of exercise, and I'm also working on my relationship with food -- but it's still a long row to hoe.  And sometimes I let my kids eat way more junk than is good for them.  Then I sometimes freak out that they are going to grow up with the same messed up relationship with food that I have struggled with, so I get too extreme with the no-treats.  Not awesome.  And so...

I resolve to continue working on my food issues.  I will treat my body with respect and love by exercising and by feeding it good healthy food, yes, but also not depriving myself of the occasional treat.  I will model that respect and love for my children in word and deed.


Just one more... I wish I could stick to all these resolutions perfectly.
     But I already know that's just not possible.  Don't we all know that when we set these New Year's Resolutions?  And so...

I resolve to not beat myself up over my weaknesses, my inconsistencies, my bad days, my slip-ups.  I won't let one "failure" make me fall off the wagon entirely.  I know that I am imperfect, but I also know that I will never stop trying to be the best I can be, for myself and my family and all the people I love.  I will keep these resolutions as a goal to strive for to help me become the person I want to be, but I won't despair over not being there yet.

This year, just like this life, is a work-in-progress.  I'm sure it will be crazy and messy and happy and sad and beautiful, and I am going to find the joy in every minute of it.

Choosing Happiness

I haven't posted in a few days, because I've been trying to figure out how best to communicate my feelings on this next topic.  I think it's because this is something I've been struggling to communicate for years -- the subject of happiness.

I think if you asked nearly anyone who has known me for more than a few minutes to describe me, one of the first adjectives they'd use is "cheerful" or "positive" or just "happy."  And I am all those things, and I love that about myself.  But all my adolescent and adult life, I have gotten crap about it.  "No one is that happy all the time."  At times, people have accused me of being fake, of just pretending to be happy so that I can keep up the "perfect" facade.  Nothing has ever had more power to hurt me than that accusation: FAKE.  When people that I really care about call me that, it breaks my heart because I suddenly feel like they don't know me at all.  Or they don't understand what makes me... me.  I don't do fake.  I think there is a big difference between being fake and  choosing happiness, but I have never been able to clearly articulate my feelings.  That's what I'm going to try to do here, so bear with me...

Choosing happiness requires conscious action and thought.  No one's life is so free of trials that they can be effortlessly happy all the time.  When you look at people and you think, "Of course they're happy!  Their life is perfect; what would they ever have to be unhappy about?" you can be sure that they have their own sorrows and struggles.  The very purpose of life is to struggle, to learn and grow and overcome, and that can be a painful process.  But we can find happiness in the midst of all of this if we choose to.  I want to talk about three tools that I use to choose happiness.

First, forgiveness.  Being willing to forgive offenses large and small keeps us from becoming bitter and unhappy.  Give others the benefit of the doubt, don't be quick to take offense, and realize that they are also imperfect human beings.  That works well for the little things.  Big things take more time and perspective and work, but you can do it.  Don't let the actions of others determine your own happiness.  Learning to forgive is truly liberating.  When you learn to forgive others, you can more freely forgive yourself for your own mistakes and give yourself permission to move forward and be happy with who you are right now.  Consciously choosing to forgive others and to forgive myself helps me feel happy.

Second, faith.  Faith is a huge key to happiness for me.  I know deep down in my heart that God loves me and He has a plan for me.  He wants me to be happy -- forever, not just today or tomorrow.  So when troubles arise, I try to keep that eternal perspective.  I know that the hard times will not last forever.  I know that the trials we face are meant to help us learn and grow.  And while I'm not always great at figuring out exactly what I'm supposed to be learning at that moment, faith helps me not get bogged down in unhappiness.  Do you know that God loves you, that He knows you personally and He wants you to be happy?  If you can't honestly say that you KNOW it, I challenge you to take a few quiet minutes to yourself, get down on your knees, and ask Him.  I promise you that He will answer you.

Third, gratitude.  I know I just talked about gratitude in my last post, but I don't think its importance can be overstated.  We've all heard "Count Your Blessings" a bazillion times, haven't we?  It really is the key to choosing happiness.  I am grateful to God for everything around me.  Yes, life isn't perfect.  Yes, there are times I am disappointed or I wish things were different.  But I cannot deny the blessings in my life, and that helps me choose happiness.  I am also grateful to the people around me -- my family and loved ones and even lots of random strangers -- who do so much to lift me up and bless my life.  Feeling their love helps me choose happiness.

So, forgiveness, faith, and gratitude -- great tools for choosing to be happy.  And when you choose to be happy, you can be cheerful and positive and all those other great adjectives.  Even when life is challenging, you can be happy.  Not just act happy or look happy on the outside -- you can really and truly BE happy.

I also want to talk about times when "putting a happy face on it" can do more harm than good.

#1 -- If you aren't happy, don't fake it.  You have to give yourself permission to have feelings other than happiness, too.  Choosing happiness doesn't mean that you bottle up any unhappy or uncomfortable feeling and just pretend it doesn't exist until you explode.  Choosing happiness means you face those emotions head on and deal with them so that you can make peace with yourself and others.  That peace is what allows you to experience real happiness.

#2 -- If you need help, get it.  For some people and in some situations, you need more help than just "making a choice."  Clinical depression, bipolar, anxiety disorders, and a host of other problems need to be addressed professionally as well as personally.  They aren't things you can control just by the power of positive thinking, and you shouldn't feel like a failure if you need help.  Admitting that you need help and getting it is part of choosing real happiness.  I have seen so many people that I love dealing with these kinds of struggles, and I admire their strength so much.

#3 -- If you are in a bad situation, get out.  Don't "put on a happy face" to hide abuse or to cover for the bad acts of others.  You are beloved, by your Heavenly Father if not by the person you are with, and you do not have to stay in a bad situation. 

Hmmm, did I cover everything I've been mulling over for the past few days and weeks and years?  More or less.  I wish I was eloquent enough to express my feelings perfectly, but I think this will have to do for now.  I'm sure I'll revisit the subject many times on this blog.  Thanks for listening.

Tomi Ann

P.S.  If you think others might be uplifted by this post, please feel free to share it wherever you share stuff. :)