Monday, August 13, 2012

Less and More.

Believing in God has always been as natural as breathing to me, and as vital.  It has been the foundation for my life, and the framework upon which we have built our family.  And like breathing, you take it for granted until your ability to do it is threatened.

One month ago, my husband Dan came to me after all the kids were in bed and said we needed to talk.  I could tell by his ultra-serious expression that this was going to be a life-changer, but I was unprepared for the words that followed: "I am an atheist."

I felt that I had been suddenly plunged into a cold, stormy ocean, and every word he said was another heavy stone around my neck.  He had come to this realization 3 1/2 years ago after a year and a half of struggling with his faith, he told me, but had felt that hiding it was better for our family.  He couldn't live with himself anymore, though, and needed to come clean.

Sinking and sinking, I thought about every prayer we had said as a family, everything we had taught our kids together, every time we had knelt in prayer together at the end of the day, and the million other ways in which our life was so entwined with our beliefs -- all lies.  3 1/2 years?  Three and one half years?!  Every moment of every day.  WHY?

I can't even begin to express all the thoughts that were churning through my head, thoughts of past, present, and future.  What would happen now?  How was our life going to change?  How would this affect our children?  How could he just give up on the promise of being together forever?  Could he truly believe that this life is all there is, that we were really only married "until death do us part?"  Dan tried to pull me back, assuring me over and over of his love for me and our children, his dedication to supporting me in my own faith and helping me raise the kids in the gospel, and the kind of man he always intends to be.  But I felt like I was hearing him from underwater -- all I could really hear was the fear pounding away in my own heart.  I thought that I knew Dan.  I thought that I knew who we were, together.  Now I was terribly afraid that I was losing him, and myself and everything else important to me along with him.

I floundered in the depths for what felt like a long, long time.  We talked for hours, and when we finally went to bed I did not sleep.  I felt like we had lost something so important, and that I had never had a chance to save it, to fight for it.  I prayed and prayed but found no peace.  The next day I went through the motions, keeping it together as best I could for the kids, but there was no relief.  We had returned only two days earlier from an incredible just-the-two-of-us vacation to celebrate our tenth anniversary, and the suitcases full of memories were still in the middle of the living room floor.  I couldn't bear to look at them.  I couldn't bear to download the pictures I had taken on the trip.  For me, the trip had been magical -- two weeks of just us, laughing and talking and having all sorts of funny adventures, growing closer and just being so... together.  But now it was all muddled together with the fact that I felt like I had been living in a fantasy world of my own creation.  Had I imagined every good thing about our relationship?  Because obviously Dan was living in a very different world than I knew.  The trip had become the ultimate example of the facade of our lives, a sham of happiness that I had been blinded by.

I talked to Dan about it that night, and he was visibly upset that his timing in telling me the truth had ruined my memory of the trip.  He told me what the trip had meant for him, and the way he described it sounded just the way I would have before everything got smooshed together in my mind.  It was like the first shaft of light for me -- the realization that, while it was true that I had not known or understood what was really happening with Dan, our life and our love was not a figment of my imagination.  And then he said something that I will never forget.  I asked him why he had chosen now to tell me -- if he felt I was ready for it, or if he just felt so much pressure from living a lie that he had decided that it was time to sink or swim.  He said, "Never for more than a moment did I think we would sink, because I knew that I would swim."  I realized then that I had underestimated his love for and commitment to me.  He was just as fiercely committed to us as I was, and he would do whatever it took to protect that.

I had been clutching fear so tightly that I was paralyzed.  As I began to let it go, there was room in my mind and heart for other emotions: understanding of what Dan had been going through for the past five years and the pain of bearing that burden all alone for so long; gratitude for his determination to live as an honest, loving, moral husband and father; trust that he really meant it; and, finally, peace.  When I stopped shouting so loudly inside my head, God was able to send me the peace that I needed.  I began to have specific, undeniable experiences that let me know God is aware of our little family at this moment of upheaval, and that He has not let go of Dan.  He is there, and He loves us.  I don't know what is coming in the future, but I do know that.

I began to hold on to peace and love with both hands, instead of fear and resentment.  As Dan and I have worked together through the inevitable issues this has brought forward, we have grown so much closer and more united.  And I have felt God's love stronger than at any time in my life.  I feel so grateful for Dan, for our family that has shown so much love and understanding, for a kind and thoughtful bishop who gave me a blessing that was literally a godsend, for a friend who took me to the temple and let me cry it all out to her, for a hundred moments of guidance and peace that I have felt in the past month.

How is it possibly that through losing so much, I feel like I have been given so much more?  How can having the foundation of our marriage and family swept away lead me to a stronger relationship with Dan and with God?  My only answer is the grace of God.  To me there is no other explanation for being able to overcome the overwhelmingly negative emotions with which I reacted, so quickly and completely. Dan doesn't explain it that way, of course.  And that hurts my heart, but I know that he is working so hard to be the kind of man he wants to be.  He is positive and supportive and so full of love.  And I am grateful for that.

It has been a two-steps-forward-one-step-back process -- sometimes a rogue wave of sadness pushes me back under for a while.  But instead of feeling like I'm drowning, I am trying to let my faith in Dan and in God pull me out again.  Dan and I are sailing our ship together. (Do you think I've beaten this metaphor to death yet?  Because I could go on...)




P.S.  Why am I putting something so personal out into the blogosphere?  First, I needed a way to let as many people as possible know about the change in our family.  The last month has left me emotionally and physically exhausted, and having to explain this to people over and over again just makes it harder.  This was the best solution for me, short of renting a billboard that says "Dan is leaving the church.  I'm okay.  Our marriage is not in danger.  Go back to your lives, citizens."  I don't mind talking about it, but having to break the news again and again is just too much for me right now.

Second, I guess I hope that this experience will help someone else.  I do not think I have suffered in some uniquely difficult way -- on the contrary, I think everyone goes through utterly heart-wrenching experiences at some point(s) in their lives.  But after this storm hit, when I went online, I couldn't find any experiences like mine.  Or like Dan's, that might help me to get some perspective.  This blog post is entirely my story, I realize.  Dan is going to write his own experience -- why he hid the truth for so long and what he wishes he'd done differently, as well as his experience with finally telling the truth -- and post it here as well.  People need to be able to talk about things and know they are not alone, whichever side of this kind of situation they're on.

P.P.S.  A note about commenting.  I think nearly everyone who reads this blog is made up of our family and friends, so I'm not that worried.  Please leave comments if you'd like -- nothing is worse than radio silence after putting something like this out there.  But I've seen too many mean, bitter, snarky, contentious comments on blogs not to be afraid of that one random person who, protected by the anonymity of the internet, decides to take in on themselves to inflict pain.  Please know that this is coming from an intensely personal and painful place in our very real lives.  If you don't have something nice to say, please just keep it to yourself and click to the next blog...

25 comments:

  1. With tears in my eyes and do much love for both of you, I want you to know how incredibly brave and amazing you both are. I'm here for whatever you may need. Love you!

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  2. Thank you for sharing Tomi. You are very loved by your family, friends and God. I admire you so much.

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  3. I couldn't think of anything more to say other than we love you TomiAnn, you will be in my personal prayers, and how strong I think you are to accept this challenge and move forward. It sounds like you have a great guy there, and maybe sometime down the road things will change for him. But for now, cherish the blessings you have, those 3 cute kiddos, and know that our Heavenly Father loves you! I will miss serving with you on the cultural arts committee. I heard you were released. Life can be hard sometimes, and I know I have my own personal challenges that really test me at times. But I know Heavenly Father doesn't give us any challenge he knows we can't handle. Sometimes it just means we need his help if we will ask for it. HUGS!!!

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  4. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wonderful little family, Tomi. I love you.

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  5. Thanks for sharing your story, Tomi! I am so inspired by your faith in God and your love for your husband. There is no power greater than LOVE. xo

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  6. All I can say is that going through struggles molds and shapes us into who we are supposed to be. Stay Strong in your beliefs, and your marriage! My thoughts are with You!

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  7. I just want you to know that as long as he is a good man and a man of his word, and his love is there for you and the kids... he is a keeper. I am atheist too, I believe in myself and all the good things I can do just because I can and I want to. I am glad you are giving him the chance to show you, the kids and the rest of the family, that being an atheist is NOT being bad.

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  8. Sweet Dear Tomi Ann, I know we are not really close. But I do want you to know how proud I am of you! Wow! your amazing! Really! For those who don't understand, will one day! We must keep our faith and trust in the Lord! We are taught family is first and so you are moving forward with that! The Strength of your marriage will keep your children secure! The love you have for the Lord will do the same! It's not over until it's over! If we have great Faith! I know our Father has a plan...For all of us! No matter the circumstances if we continue to Endure to the End The best we can! Don't let the Advesary build that wedge that he so wants to do! Love you! Ruth Wilkey

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  9. Thank you for being so candid, I can only imagine how many people your story will resonate with and touch. We should talk sometime.

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  10. Sweet, Tomi Ann. Thanks for sharing the difficulties in your life. This is truly one way for the rest of us to be able to learn from experience, without having to experience it ourselves. And wow, huge thanks to Dan for allowing you to share this with everyone! You and your cute family have been added to my prayers. You are not alone, Sweet Girl. As you've stated, the Lord is very mindful of us and every single time, provides comfort when we seek Him. Sending big hugs your way!

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  11. words are informative and can speak volumes but nothing speaks louder and more resounding then the heart. I feel your love and understanding as well as dans to work through whatever is posed( and imposed). I love you guys. when are we going to go for indian food again?

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  12. Tomi, I have felt that "do I really know this person" feeling in my life also, and it is a scary feeling. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this right now! All I know is that none of us (who hear your story) have the capability nor the right to judge the way anyone chooses to live their life. Just know that you are amazing and we love your family!

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  13. I think this is a wonderful example of how to have faith in your spouse. Thanks for sharing, Tomi.

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  14. Love you friend. Thanks for being brave and so good. In awe of your spirit. Yogurt Bliss anytime. :)

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  15. TomiAnn I know we aren't close but I have always admired your faith and energy and your relationship with your mom. I understand the need to share once and the fear that someone will have some petty reply. I hope that does not happen to you but as I can see from other replies you have a wonderful support system. I too have struggled with my faith through the years but have always known of God and his love for me. I don't know where Dan is coming from but I know that God knows what all of you need and will make sure that you hae it when you need. Isn't it mysterious the things that we were sure we could endure in the pre-existence? I'm sure at the time we thought "no problem, piece of cake" the ignorance of "youth". But we were right then, we will make it through with faith and obedience. Dan loves you and your family and every family handles life differently, you wil find your way. It may not be how you imagined but it will be good and it will be your way. Let's get to now each other better. Melinda

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  16. Mange mange knus og kærlige tanker. Det kan ikke være nemt, og jeg ville ønske jeg havde gode råd, men jeg kan nok ikke sige noget der magisk vil fikse alting. Din mand lyder som en god mand, der elsker dig og børnene, og det er et fantastisk fundament at bygge på. Held og lykke til jer alle! Kærlige hilsner, Sara

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  17. No words of wisdom from me...but I want you to know that you are truly God's Daughter and he is there for you and as one of your "sisters" my heart aches for you but also I have faith in God's presence in your life no matter what!
    Love Cathie

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  18. Tomi, Beautifully written and heartfelt. A very wise friend once said to me "It's really about choosing between Love and Fear", and to me that was meaningful. I would love to talk when you feel like it. There are resources out there for LDS couples where one has experienced a change or loss of faith. Meanwhile, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!
    Love,
    Jeralee

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  19. Tomi, my heart breaks for you, and yet I can't help but be lifted up by this at the same time. You have the most amazing outlook, and Dan is to be commended for being honest about something that (in this 'hood) makes him very unique. I don't think either of you will have many to turn to that "have been there" before. But please know you aren't alone. I am certain Joe would agree that our door is always open. And, it changes nothing in the way I look up to you both and think the best of you both.

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  20. TomiAnn,
    I am so very sorry for the sorrows & trials you are going through. I am also amazed ' impressed with your wisdom for one so young. You have an amazing testimony. When times get tough, remember the teachings of your parents. If you doubt - lean on their testimonies. You are an amazing, strong daughter of God, who loves you. You have many praying for you, you are not alone. We love and support you & your family (that means Dan too).
    Kathy F

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  21. It's very brave to be so honest! Prayers for you and Dan as you go through this together. I'm so glad you Dan has such a judgment-free environment.

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  22. WOW! You are an inspiration! You and yours are in my prayers. Love to you all.

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  23. God works in mysterious ways indeed. I have been researching multimedia art these last few weeks and have stumbled upon countless blogs... And I want to thank you Tomi for sharing this, it has helped me. I needed to read this and I am grateful beyond description for your story has restored the hope I have lost this last week and my faith in humanity. You're very lucky to have such a wonderful, honest and selfless husband. Your relationship is my ultimate ideal.

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  24. Thanks for sticking this out there. I'm working through a process and I've done some searching and returned very little valuable. The Ensign, does have a few great articles. I found you through my cousins wife's blog (Christie G) I'm glad I was able to read about your experience.
    Thanks for sharing something so personal!

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