The difference between "owning it" and "you're on your own."

The other day I posted this quote from Albert Ellis:  "The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own.  You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president.  You realize that you control your own destiny."  


Then I received this comment from a reader named Genevieve:  "I agree that it's up to us, but I also think sometimes we need help. I went to a funeral today for a woman who apparently didn't have help, and her "demons" got the best of her. So tragic."


It struck me that there is a disconnect here between what I read in that quote and what she got from it.  After  reading both the quote and her comment a few times, I could see her point and felt that I needed to address it.


To me, this thought is all about the blame game.  There are so many times that we want to shift the blame for our problems to other people or to circumstances beyond our control.  "I wouldn't be so fat if my parents had taught me better habits." "My kid would do better in school if the teacher would just pay more attention to him." That may seem easier, but in reality it takes away our power to change our lives.  Taking responsibility for our lives can be scary, but it also means that we can make changes and decisions that will be true happiness and peace.    Other people and circumstances do affect our lives, but we cannot allow them to control us.  We "own" who we are, imperfections and all, in order to become who we want to be.


I think the danger in this thought, and what Genevieve was observant enough to pick up on, is if you just focus on the phrase "your problems are your own."  Believing that our problems are entirely our own affair can wall us off from the people around us, as I wrote about in a previous post "I thought I was the only one..."  We must be willing to let our guard down and let people in so that we can get help when we need it.  And everyone needs help once in a while.  Admitting that we need help empowers other to ask for help as well.  Sometimes we need a strong shoulder to lean on (or cry on), and sometimes we can be that person for someone else.  But if we keep up a facade of perfection, we are cut off from both roles.  We can't ask for help, and others don't feel comfortable asking it of us.


Taking control of your life should not mean that you are on your own.  It means that you face yourself and your choices with honesty, changing what you can and allowing yourself to ask for help where you need it.


Now, I'm going to go quit blaming the over-flowing closets on a mutant outgrown-clothes breeding phenomenon and do some de-cluttering.  Feel free to come over and help if you want... :)

You Control Your Own Destiny -- a "Perfect" Thought for Today

Who do YOU let in? -- a great link to check out.

I follow approximately a gazillion craft and DIY blogs, and one of my faves is Kimba's a Soft Place to Land.  Today she posted about the difference between "Upstairs Friends" and "Downstairs Friends."  It's really not about home decor at all -- it's about whether or not you let others see your imperfections, and about how doing so opens the door to real friendship and understanding.  Check it out!  It's a short little post, but it gave me a lot to think about today!  Click HERE to head over.

Have a great day!

Life is Too Short.

Last week a girl that I had known since junior high passed away without warning. One moment everything was fine, and the next moment she was gone, leaving behind a husband and three kids. I didn't know her very well, just enough to smile and say hello when I saw her in the hall at church, but the sudden devastation of her death has forced me to think about the fragility of life. To quote a line from one of my favorite cheesy chick flicks (Where the Heart Is): "Our lives can change with every breath we take." 

The overriding feeling I was left with is that life is too short. 

Life is too short to hold a grudge.  You never know when it will be too late to forgive, or to ask for forgiveness.

Life is too short to judge others, to deprive ourselves and them of what we could share with one another.


Life is too short to waste time on what matters least.


Life is too short to limit your own potential.  How much time do we spend telling ourselves we can't do it, we're not good enough, we shouldn't even try?


Life is too short to stay in your comfort zone.  We need to push ourselves, to take risks, to have adventures!


Life is too short to only see the darkness around you.  Yes, there is always darkness in this world, always hurt and hunger and injustice.  But there is also so much beauty and love.  Embracing the light gives us power to combat the darkness.


Life is too short to withhold love -- from our children, our family, strangers, any human being.


Life is too short to live in regret.  We can't go backwards, only forwards.  We have to be honest with ourselves about what we regret, do what we can to fix it, and live in peace with what we can't. (See #1 about asking forgiveness...)


And finally, life is too short to live in fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  This is a big one for me.  I am so paranoid that something catastrophic is going to hit our family, like losing a child or my husband.  It's as though I feel we are so blessed that something must be lurking around the corner, just waiting to broadside us when we least expect it.  And the truth is, it's probably true.  Every family is faced with loss or hardship.  That is part of our journey through this life as human beings, and none are immune.  But we can't live in fear of the unknown.


Yes, life is too short.  It's true whether we have another 5 minutes or another 50 years to live.  If we live with purpose, whatever time we are given will be exactly the right amount for us to create a beautiful, happy life.  If we don't -- if we let life pull us along without choosing to be what we want to be -- 1000 years wouldn't be enough.




P.S.  I just watched a video on TED by a man who survived that plane crash into the Hudson River, and what he learned from being faced with death.  It's worth a watch.

Motherhood Matters

Happy Mother's Day to all you beautiful women out there, both those who are mothers in the traditional sense and also to those who bless the lives of everyone around them with their mothering influence.

This past week I have been participating in a challenge created by our local lifestyle show Studio 5 called Motherhood Matters, which they describe as "a campaign to inspire, encourage, and remind ourselves why motherhood matters." I can always use a reminder to find the joy in motherhood rather than getting sucked into the mundane, and I have really been enjoying completing the challenge each day.

The other day the challenge was to make a list of the skills and attributes that you bring to the role of mother, and for some reason I found that very challenging. What strengths do I bring to motherhood? At first, all I could come up with were my weaknesses. I get mad a really really lot more than I should be, I'm ridiculously disorganized and forgetful, I let them watch too much tv... the list could go on and on. So before I got too bogged down in berating myself, I decided that I would commit to posting here about my positive strengths and attributes so that I have it in black and white. I haven't really started coming up with anything yet, so we'll see how it goes:

1. I am willing to admit when I'm wrong and ask my kids' forgiveness. I try really hard to own up to my part when things go amuck.
2. I tell them I love them a gazillion times a day. So far they are not old enough to be embarrassed by this.
3. I try to tell them specific reasons why I think they're great and why I'm proud of them.
4. I try to give them lots of opportunities for creativity (both in the artsy-crafty way and also just in their thinking).
5. I believe in God and Jesus Christ, and I am working hard to create an environment where their Spirit can be felt.
6. I am not "too cool" to run around and play and be silly with them. (Of course, if you knew me you'd probably say that I'm not in grave danger of being "too cool" for anything...)
7. I will never, never stop trying to be a better mom for them.

I am not trying to toot my own horn here. I know that for every one thing I get right, I probably make two giant mothering mistakes. Or miss some huge opportunity to love and nurture the way I should. I'm sure we all feel that way. And Mother's Day, for some perverse reason, frequently just makes moms feel more guilty, like we somehow don't measure up to all the praise. But this Mother's Day, please stop berating yourself for all your mothering imperfections and take a moment to appreciate your mothering strengths.  You have them, I guarantee -- otherwise, God would never have entrusted His precious children to your care.  Give yourself the gift of actually thinking about it and writing it down.  I'll bet you'll find you're a pretty awesome mom after all. :)

Happy Mother's Day!



Oh, and if you need a little encouragement, please watch this beautiful video about our true value as mothers:

The Civility Experiment -- a video

This video really touched me today -- it demonstrates so well the power that comes from getting to know someone instead of judging them by their outward appearance or what you think you know about them. I believe that if more of us (myself included) took the opportunity to really get to know the people we are judgmental about (whether it's an individual or a whole group), we'd learn that underneath the surface we are all just human beings. Imperfect, yes, but all of us having something to give and share with each other. Worth the watch!

He makes it possible...

None of us, as human beings, are perfect.  That's kinda the whole point of this blog.  But today, as we celebrate the life, Atonement, and resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ, I want to share my faith that Jesus WAS perfect, and that it is because of Him that it's okay for us not to be.  It's okay that we make mistakes and wrong choices and everything else that comes with being a human being.  HE paid the price for us, to give us the chance to learn and grow and take two steps forward and one step back.  He loves us more than we can ever understand, and He will always help us become our best selves if we choose to come to Him.  Through His power we can be forgiven for all those wrong choices and become who HE sees in us.

This Easter message touched my heart today, and I wanted to share it with you:

I wish you a blessed and joyful Easter!

Thanks for stopping by!