What defines you?

Today I'd like to share a powerful little nugget to think about from Becky Higgins, who writes about how we define ourselves -- do we let others define us, or do we have faith in our own core self?  Click here to check it out!

I couldn't agree more with what she has written.  Letting others define us only limits our potential, but defining ourselves by our best qualities and beliefs gives us power to become who we really want to be.  Worth two minutes to read today!

"I thought I was the only one..."

Have you ever been in a pet store?  You see all the little hamsters and lizards in their glass cases, all stacked up so they're together, but separated from one another.

Have you ever felt like one of them? 

Buying into the idea of "perfection" puts each one of us into those little glass boxes.  We can see each other, but we put up walls that keep us apart. This can happen in all sorts of ways.

We look at the people around us and think, "Oh, they're so perfect.  They must think I'm so awful."  So we never climb out of our own glass box to extend a hand of friendship, just assuming that the other person would have no use for us.  When I first started writing this blog, my dear cousin Tiffany sent me this email (which I use with her permission):

     "In my ward [that's what LDS people call our congregation], there is a beautiful, petite woman with an incredible body that decorates and dresses well and eats healthy food...  I automatically assume that there is no way these seemingly perfect women would want to befriend a chubby, out-of-control with clutter, working mom that is constantly-exhausted and needing-babysitters, kind of girl."

Now, this is exactly how I would describe myself, so I was really surprised to find out that Tiff put me in the "perfect women" category.  But that's the truth of it -- we all see our own faults like we're looking through a magnifying glass, but we see others through a lens that only makes us suffer in comparison. 

But Tiff has a very good head on her shoulders, and her next statement really struck home for me:

     "Sometimes, I pretend that perfect ladies like this are incontinent or have thirteen toes or something.  I always need a reminder that no one is the best of the best all the time.  I imagine it's so hard for _____ if she knows how envied she is and thought she had to keep up to such insurmountable standards."

When we look at someone else's lifestyle or body or well-behaved children or job or whatever, we put them in a glass box as well, so that neither one of us can reach the other.   We feel like we can never measure up to a standard that we've usually imagined up ourselves, and they feel like they can never admit to any weakness without disappointing people. 

When you are in that glass cage, you can't ask for help, because that would be acknowledging that we are somehow not perfectly capable.  You can't build meaningful relationships with the people around you because you have to hold back what makes you human.  You can't appreciate the deep, complicated beauty of the people around you because you are too busy expecting perfection from them. 

A couple of months ago, at a family function, my sisters and I were chatting with some of our girl cousins and revealed some little imperfection.  Nothing serious or earth-shattering -- I would never have given in another second's thought -- but one of my cousins (not the aforementioned Tiff) was literally shocked at what I said.  She said, almost to herself: "I thought I was the only one..."  The moment passed quickly and the conversation turned to other things, but her comment has stayed with me.  How often do we think we're the only one?  We think we're "the only one" who struggles, who makes mistakes, who feels bad or lonely or misunderstood.  We assume others are judging us, or definitely would be judging us if we gave them the chance by revealing our imperfections.

Isolation.  That is the sad by-product of the myth of perfection.  Instead of accepting and loving and helping each other, we lock ourselves away and try to be content with solitary confinement.  It's all part of the prison we create by believing in "perfection." 

Don't let yourself be isolated by creating some imaginary standard you'll never live up to.  Don't isolate others by believing their perfection will never allow them to accept you.  Break down those glass walls -- you'll be amazed how well you can love and be loved, just by being the "real you."

Just Dance!

I have never been what anyone would call graceful.  Stories of my childhood and adolescense are populated with stories of me tripping over things and being attacked by inanimate objects.  I always wanted to be a dancer, but as the chubby, uncoordinated kid that was just not in the cards.  One of my most embarrassing moments was auditioning for a music dance theater program as a high school senior and completely forgetting the choreography to the very simple dance about 8 counts in.  Still, I didn't shy away from opportunities to dance.  I went to lots of dances and parties and danced away.  I took social dance in college and loved every second of it even though I knew I didn't look as much like Ginger Rogers as I felt.  Now I go to a dance exercise class called Zumba every week and I enjoy myself hugely.  I get half the steps wrong and I know I look funny doing the ones I do get right, but you know what?  I don't care.  Sometimes I work in my dad's woodshop for hours all by myself, and you know what I do?  I crank up the music and dance like I think I belong on Broadway (or maybe a Shakira video, but I won't burden you with that image...).  I LOVE to dance.  It feels free and liberating and FUN!

I think I got this attitude from watching my sweet little sister Carissa, who had Down's Syndrome.  She loved to dance, too, and she never let any inhibition get in her way.  When the music started, she was always right there in the thick of things.  More than once I saw her get right up on stage with the band.   She could shake it with the best of them, and she always had the best time of anyone because she wasn't worried about others' judgment.

A while back, my brother Dan of Single Dad Laughing talked about his "dancing black duck" -- how he had stopped himself from dancing for years because he was so worried about what other people would think, and how he decided to get over it and just dance.  He invited all of his followers to send in clips of themselves dancing, which of course meant we all had got to be in it, too.  I showed off my awesome moves for a few seconds and then rolled my ankle really, really badly.  (It still hurts, weeks later!)  Dan asked me if he could use that in the video and I hesitated only for about half a second before I said yes.  It's not cute, but it's totally me.  And since the whole point of the dance video is enjoying dancing without worrying about how you look to others, how could I say no?

Today he finally posted the finished product.  I'm stealing his video to post here, but you should definitely go read his original post about dancing.  It applies to so many things in our lives.  What are we holding ourselves back from enjoying because of how some past experience has affected us?  Just dance, people!

Liberation

The expectation of perfection is a prison.  We lock ourselves and others in without even realizing it, and soon we find our way blocked at every turn by walls we've built out of misguided expectations.  Then the Perfect Police keep us in.  Who are the Perfect Police?  Contrary to what you might think, the Perfect Police are not other people telling us what they expect.  The Perfect Police are the voices we create in our own heads, telling us we'll never be perfect but that everyone else thinks they are and expects us to be, too.  It's the voice that belittles our efforts.  It's the voice that tells us we have the right to judge others for not living up to our expectations.

It's time we liberate ourselves.

Liberation from the Prison of Perfection frees us to love ourselves.  When we shut out the Perfect Police, we see ourselves as we really are -- flawed but beautiful, imperfect but beloved.  We give ourselves credit for the intent of our heart and the effort we put in, rather than focusing on the finished product.

Similarly, liberation frees us to love others.  Accepting that those around us are also imperfect human beings allows us to not take offense when they make mistakes.  It allows us to look deeper, to find the whole person rather than relying on appearances.  Liberation frees us from feeling the need to sit in judgment of others.  We know that they aren't perfect, but we also acknowledge that we aren't either, and we can make a conscious decision to leave judgment to the One to whom it truly belongs -- God.

Although it may seem paradoxical, liberation from the expectation of perfection frees us to improve ourselves and become what God wants us to be.  If we let the Perfect Police constantly beat us down by telling us we'll never be good enough because we'll never reach our own impossible standard of perfection, how long will it take before we completely throw in the towel?  But if instead we build ourselves up with the reassurance that we need only do our level best, and that no mistake is so big it will block our path forever, we can keep moving forward and getting up when we fall.

Perhaps most importantly, liberation frees us to feel gratitude.  If we stop feeling bitter because our life isn't the uninterrupted perfect bliss we imagine it should be, we can feel gratitude to God for the countless blessings He gives us.  If we stop belittling ourselves, we can feel gratitude for all the things we can do.  If we stop judging others, we can feel gratitude for the efforts they put in and the intents of their hearts.  Gratitude is the ultimate weapon against the voices of the Perfect Police.

It's time to free yourself from this prison of your own making. Tear down the walls you've built from unrealistic expectations.  Tell the Perfect Police to take a hike.  Enjoy the freedom to love yourself for who you are NOW and give yourself permission to become all that you can be, and you will be able to give others that same freedom.  Free yourself to feel the joy of gratitude, and you will find peace even in imperfection.

Thank you for reading,
Tomi Ann

P.S.  If you think others might be uplifted by this post, please feel free to share wherever you share stuff!