Perfect is nice, but imperfect makes better memories...

The other night we had a joint birthday party for my little Eliza and my niece Amelia, who both just turned 3.  This is the first birthday they've really been old enough to "get" what was going on, and I wanted to make it big.  My sister Amy is an awesome cake decorator, and I asked her to please help me make a super fantastic girly cake, and she was with me all the way.

But, as so often happens, our plans got derailed.  With 40,000 other things happening, I didn't get the cakes made early enough to freeze (which would have made them much easier to decorate).  Then I was late getting to my mom's house to do the actual decorating.  Then, as my sister was hurrying over to teach me how to do the decorating, her tire blew out and she was stranded.  My brother went to rescue her, and by the time she got to the house there was almost no time left before the party was meant to start.  I said, "Maybe we should just forget the cake.  There's no way we can do it in time."  I was thinking we could just cover it with canned frosting and call it good, or steal the cupcakes my mom had bought for another occasion.  But Amy was adamant -- the cute girly cake was going to happen!  Moving at lightning speed, she leveled cakes, rolled out fondant, and did a bunch of other stuff that I didn't even see because I was trying to put up balloons and streamers.  I have never seen someone work so hard, so fast.

She was apologetic about the final product -- it was lumpy and bumpy and did not have the perfect finish that her other cakes have had.  But the little girls loved it.  I loved it.  Everyone at the party loved it.  It was really the centerpiece of the whole party!  

Do you think they're excited about the cake?

As I thought about it later, I realized how much more memorable that cake is now.  If everything had gone according to plan and we had come up with a perfect cake, when we looked at the pictures of the party in the future we would have said, "Oh, there's the cute cake Mom and Amy made."  Instead, we have this crazy cake that every time I see it, it will remind me of that crazy day and how much my sister loves me and Eliza and Amelia, and how hard we all worked to make that party a fun one for our little people.  It reminds me that my sister is willing to drop everything and do anything for me and my family.  It reminds me how much I love her.  It might sound silly, but now that cake stands for something.  Kerry Vincent probably wouldn't give it high marks, but that's okay -- it's about so much more than the decoration now.

Gratitude -- a "Perfect" Thought for the Day

Happy Thanksgiving to all!  Gratitude is such a liberating power in our lives -- I hope we can all take time today, whatever our circumstances, to thank God for the multitude of blessings he gives us each day.

I am thankful for this life, with all it's challenges, happinesses, and heartaches.  I'm grateful for each experience, because I know that they are all gifts from God to help me become the person He sees in me.  Because in the end, this life is not about what we have or what we've done, but about what we have become.

Much love!
Tomi Ann

P.S.  Here are a few more thoughts for the day that I really like:

Gratitude is an art of painting an adversity into a lovely picture.  ~Kak Sri

If you have lived, take thankfully the past.  ~John Dryden

The unthankful heart... discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!  ~Henry Ward Beecher

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.  ~William Arthur Ward

Choosing Happiness

I haven't posted in a few days, because I've been trying to figure out how best to communicate my feelings on this next topic.  I think it's because this is something I've been struggling to communicate for years -- the subject of happiness.

I think if you asked nearly anyone who has known me for more than a few minutes to describe me, one of the first adjectives they'd use is "cheerful" or "positive" or just "happy."  And I am all those things, and I love that about myself.  But all my adolescent and adult life, I have gotten crap about it.  "No one is that happy all the time."  At times, people have accused me of being fake, of just pretending to be happy so that I can keep up the "perfect" facade.  Nothing has ever had more power to hurt me than that accusation: FAKE.  When people that I really care about call me that, it breaks my heart because I suddenly feel like they don't know me at all.  Or they don't understand what makes me... me.  I don't do fake.  I think there is a big difference between being fake and  choosing happiness, but I have never been able to clearly articulate my feelings.  That's what I'm going to try to do here, so bear with me...

Choosing happiness requires conscious action and thought.  No one's life is so free of trials that they can be effortlessly happy all the time.  When you look at people and you think, "Of course they're happy!  Their life is perfect; what would they ever have to be unhappy about?" you can be sure that they have their own sorrows and struggles.  The very purpose of life is to struggle, to learn and grow and overcome, and that can be a painful process.  But we can find happiness in the midst of all of this if we choose to.  I want to talk about three tools that I use to choose happiness.

First, forgiveness.  Being willing to forgive offenses large and small keeps us from becoming bitter and unhappy.  Give others the benefit of the doubt, don't be quick to take offense, and realize that they are also imperfect human beings.  That works well for the little things.  Big things take more time and perspective and work, but you can do it.  Don't let the actions of others determine your own happiness.  Learning to forgive is truly liberating.  When you learn to forgive others, you can more freely forgive yourself for your own mistakes and give yourself permission to move forward and be happy with who you are right now.  Consciously choosing to forgive others and to forgive myself helps me feel happy.

Second, faith.  Faith is a huge key to happiness for me.  I know deep down in my heart that God loves me and He has a plan for me.  He wants me to be happy -- forever, not just today or tomorrow.  So when troubles arise, I try to keep that eternal perspective.  I know that the hard times will not last forever.  I know that the trials we face are meant to help us learn and grow.  And while I'm not always great at figuring out exactly what I'm supposed to be learning at that moment, faith helps me not get bogged down in unhappiness.  Do you know that God loves you, that He knows you personally and He wants you to be happy?  If you can't honestly say that you KNOW it, I challenge you to take a few quiet minutes to yourself, get down on your knees, and ask Him.  I promise you that He will answer you.

Third, gratitude.  I know I just talked about gratitude in my last post, but I don't think its importance can be overstated.  We've all heard "Count Your Blessings" a bazillion times, haven't we?  It really is the key to choosing happiness.  I am grateful to God for everything around me.  Yes, life isn't perfect.  Yes, there are times I am disappointed or I wish things were different.  But I cannot deny the blessings in my life, and that helps me choose happiness.  I am also grateful to the people around me -- my family and loved ones and even lots of random strangers -- who do so much to lift me up and bless my life.  Feeling their love helps me choose happiness.

So, forgiveness, faith, and gratitude -- great tools for choosing to be happy.  And when you choose to be happy, you can be cheerful and positive and all those other great adjectives.  Even when life is challenging, you can be happy.  Not just act happy or look happy on the outside -- you can really and truly BE happy.

I also want to talk about times when "putting a happy face on it" can do more harm than good.

#1 -- If you aren't happy, don't fake it.  You have to give yourself permission to have feelings other than happiness, too.  Choosing happiness doesn't mean that you bottle up any unhappy or uncomfortable feeling and just pretend it doesn't exist until you explode.  Choosing happiness means you face those emotions head on and deal with them so that you can make peace with yourself and others.  That peace is what allows you to experience real happiness.

#2 -- If you need help, get it.  For some people and in some situations, you need more help than just "making a choice."  Clinical depression, bipolar, anxiety disorders, and a host of other problems need to be addressed professionally as well as personally.  They aren't things you can control just by the power of positive thinking, and you shouldn't feel like a failure if you need help.  Admitting that you need help and getting it is part of choosing real happiness.  I have seen so many people that I love dealing with these kinds of struggles, and I admire their strength so much.

#3 -- If you are in a bad situation, get out.  Don't "put on a happy face" to hide abuse or to cover for the bad acts of others.  You are beloved, by your Heavenly Father if not by the person you are with, and you do not have to stay in a bad situation. 

Hmmm, did I cover everything I've been mulling over for the past few days and weeks and years?  More or less.  I wish I was eloquent enough to express my feelings perfectly, but I think this will have to do for now.  I'm sure I'll revisit the subject many times on this blog.  Thanks for listening.

Tomi Ann

P.S.  If you think others might be uplifted by this post, please feel free to share it wherever you share stuff. :)

Liberation

The expectation of perfection is a prison.  We lock ourselves and others in without even realizing it, and soon we find our way blocked at every turn by walls we've built out of misguided expectations.  Then the Perfect Police keep us in.  Who are the Perfect Police?  Contrary to what you might think, the Perfect Police are not other people telling us what they expect.  The Perfect Police are the voices we create in our own heads, telling us we'll never be perfect but that everyone else thinks they are and expects us to be, too.  It's the voice that belittles our efforts.  It's the voice that tells us we have the right to judge others for not living up to our expectations.

It's time we liberate ourselves.

Liberation from the Prison of Perfection frees us to love ourselves.  When we shut out the Perfect Police, we see ourselves as we really are -- flawed but beautiful, imperfect but beloved.  We give ourselves credit for the intent of our heart and the effort we put in, rather than focusing on the finished product.

Similarly, liberation frees us to love others.  Accepting that those around us are also imperfect human beings allows us to not take offense when they make mistakes.  It allows us to look deeper, to find the whole person rather than relying on appearances.  Liberation frees us from feeling the need to sit in judgment of others.  We know that they aren't perfect, but we also acknowledge that we aren't either, and we can make a conscious decision to leave judgment to the One to whom it truly belongs -- God.

Although it may seem paradoxical, liberation from the expectation of perfection frees us to improve ourselves and become what God wants us to be.  If we let the Perfect Police constantly beat us down by telling us we'll never be good enough because we'll never reach our own impossible standard of perfection, how long will it take before we completely throw in the towel?  But if instead we build ourselves up with the reassurance that we need only do our level best, and that no mistake is so big it will block our path forever, we can keep moving forward and getting up when we fall.

Perhaps most importantly, liberation frees us to feel gratitude.  If we stop feeling bitter because our life isn't the uninterrupted perfect bliss we imagine it should be, we can feel gratitude to God for the countless blessings He gives us.  If we stop belittling ourselves, we can feel gratitude for all the things we can do.  If we stop judging others, we can feel gratitude for the efforts they put in and the intents of their hearts.  Gratitude is the ultimate weapon against the voices of the Perfect Police.

It's time to free yourself from this prison of your own making. Tear down the walls you've built from unrealistic expectations.  Tell the Perfect Police to take a hike.  Enjoy the freedom to love yourself for who you are NOW and give yourself permission to become all that you can be, and you will be able to give others that same freedom.  Free yourself to feel the joy of gratitude, and you will find peace even in imperfection.

Thank you for reading,
Tomi Ann

P.S.  If you think others might be uplifted by this post, please feel free to share wherever you share stuff!